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This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money

Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya

Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

TRANSLATION:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the

Climax that your man can’t make

Call and tell him you’ll be home real late

Let’s sing the break

TRANSLATION:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ‘round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?

While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke

Death stroke – tongue all down her throat

Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you

I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

TRANSLATION:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion – flyin’ into all states.

Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.

Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.

I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

TRANSLATION:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

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I just got a phone call from an old friend of the family from 40+ years ago.  She wanted to call my grandparents to let them know that she could not sleep, was literally dying, and wanted to say goodbye.  She was shocked when I let her know that both of my grandparents were recently deceased, my grandmother last year and my grandfather about 1 month.  Apparently she called last 2 years ago, a little before my grandmother passed.

When she told me she was dying, I didn’t know what to say.  I do recall certain things from childhood, but don’t recall her exactly.  However, I did have a quick 15 min conversation with me letting her know about my life along with my immediate family, and her letting me know about my childhood summer vacations in Taipei and how much of a hellion I was!

Oh, how some things don’t change.

I bid my farewell and then really realized what type of people my grandparents truly were.   Out of nowhere a month after my grandfather passed, I am reminded about how much my grandparents touched others in their daily lives over the better half of a century.  Their legacy isn’t measured in what they left behind, but instead in their family and the love and memories from who they have moved.

I hope my friends make an effort to keep in touch with me in 50 years before I pass.  Time will tell.

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Going to an Andre Rieu concert.  Apparently my Dad’s a fan.  I’ll let you know how it is.

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http://www.amazon.com/MHP-The-Concordia-Dignified-Casket/dp/B001CHK3UW/ref=sr_1_24?tag=slickdeals&ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1245713151&sr=1-24

When I clicked on this link, the section that said “customers also bought… Sheets, Shovel, Axe Sharpener, and Knife!”

Friggin Hilarious.

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1.  It is very slow in this town.  Going around it seems like everywhere is all half full.  Bars/Restaurants/clubs…all half full.  However, the energy here is MUCH better than in San Francisco.

2.  Even Casinos seem to be slow.  Even at the brand new Encore there are 10 dollar tables EVERYWHERE.  I remember when the Wynn opened, there were a total of ZERO tables less than $25, with most at $100 minimum.  Now, almost all tables are a 10 dollar minimum.  It is rare to even see a $25 table.

3.  The clubs are beautiful, but again it seems like its a little slow.  XS is over the top, but is so big it looks like a ghost town outside of Friday/Saturday night.

4.  There are a TON of douchebags in this town.   Every idiot looks like a cookie cutter douche.  Ed Hardy from head to toe, Guido fist pumps everywhere, and people acting like their poop don’t smell.   I hate the way these girls and guys treat the workers in Vegas.

5.   Does anyone find it ironic that people actually like to come to the Desert to sit in a swimming pool?

I have more, but am extremely exhausted.  I’ll type up more observations later.

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My friend Siri found this store while walking around San Francisco.

Awesome.  Need I say more?

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Well, it’s that time of year again….when I look at my personal finance and review each individual aspect of my personal finances. The goal? To game the system and maximize my return on spend. Today, I researched every aspect of different credit cards, my personal habits, and decide which one is best for me.

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In selecting a card, I always recommend the following advice:1. NEVER carry a balance on a rewards or rebate card!
I cannot stress this enough. The APR (annual percentage rate) is typically higher than any rebate you’ll ever receive. If you carry a large balance, transfer to a low interest rate card and pay it off. On a lower balance, just pay it off as fast as possible. After you finish that, THEN look at rewards cards.

2. Ask yourself, “What is important to you?”
What are your goals with the card? Is it free travel? Hotel stays? Gas cards? Cash back? Or is it a flexible spending point system? From there you can start to narrow down the type of card you apply for. Right now there are literally hundreds of cards offering rewards from everything from travel, to gas, to even cold hard cash. Google is your friend!

3. Look at your spending patterns.
There is no real point in applying for a card where the points will expire before you can redeem for any reward. Some cards have thresholds that require a certain dollar spend within a period of time. If you don’t spend it, the value expires and you loose all associated value with the program. The Southwest Rewards card is one I can think of off the top of my head because their points expire 24 months after issue. Also be aware of the annual fees that some cards charge- If it takes you 2 years to earn 25,000 miles to redeem a free trip worth $300, but the fees charged were $120, you might have been better off to get a no annual fee cash back card and buy the ticket in cash.

Also, look where you spend your money. Many credit cards give bonuses for certain purchase types or retail locations that will help guide you in your search.

4. Look at the stability of the award structure and issuers

In 2008, a handful of airlines have gone into bankruptcy, some banks were tittering on the edge, and devaluations are still a constant threat. Please remember, award points have no value until redeemed. I myself, have been a victim of award devaluation and now vow to never let it happen again. Therefore keeping a huge balance of points “just in case” simply doesn’t make sense, since in the Terms and Conditions of pretty much every program state that they can change the program literally overnight. Therefore, I recommend burning as you reach thresholds.

Please keep in mind, not all programs are created equal. For example, cards that promote air travel on a certain airline may be slightly riskier as airlines currently have a fundamental cost structure issue that can make those hard earned points be worth nothing. On the other side, Hotel chains seem to be slightly safer as their costs are simply sunk.

5. Finally- READ the fine print.
Don’t be an ass. Nothing as bad as signing up for the card figuring you’d get something, but get something completely different. Credit cards are known for their fine print and almost misleading fraudulent advertising.

For example, today I found an interesting card offering “5% cash back on gas and maintenance purchases”. However, the fine print stated “Earn a full 5% Cash back Bonus on your first $100 in combined gas and auto maintenance purchases each billing period – up $1,200 annually.” I was flabbergasted. Pretty much this card is useless. Earn 5% on the first $100 in gas purchases? That’s $5 dollars. After the first $100 (or ONE tank of gas in California), you get a paltry 1% on your gas purchases. If I got this card thinking I’d get 5% back, I’d feel like a complete ass.

FYI- Many high percentage cash back cards have spending thresholds to get a higher percentage. Just be careful.

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Now you may be asking what cards do I currently have in MY wallet?Citibank Premier Pass card: Although I wasn’t happy with the Premier Pass devaluation recently, this card still makes me reasonably happy. Due to my travel, I do receive a lot of flight points, giving me a high rate of return. As an added benefit, I don’t see Citibank going anywhere anytime soon.

Starwood Preferred Amex: Hotels are EXPENSIVE nowadays. Nicer 4*+ properties…even more. Nowadays even with airfares going up, I can easily find a SFO-JFK ticket for $350.00, but each night in a hotel in Manhattan will cost me a couple hundred a night! Planning a trip to Europe? Last time I stayed in Milan the hotel I stayed at was 800 EUROS a night. How much did I pay? $0.00 + 15 Euros in tax! I prefer the SPG AMEX simply because the Starwood hotel program is awesome. If I want to transfer to miles, I receive a 1.25% bonus for doing so.

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My future plans are as follows… At the end of the year when my Citi Premier Pass Elite card is due for the annual fee, I will convert to a regular Premier pass and slowly use this card until all my flight points are used up. Then I’ll switch to the card listed below.I plan to use the SPG Amex more because I was bailed out by SPG in Amsterdam, when I got stuck by Alitalia and had to overnight in AMS. Instead of spending 350 Euros (currently about 700USD), (only hotels available were at that price) I used 10,000 points…effectively giving me a 7% return on spend. I figure in the next two years I will be visiting more expensive cities, so those points will come in handy..

With gas prices hitting close to $5 dollars per gallon at my location, I currently plan to get a PenFed Visa which offers 5% cash back on gas, 2% on groceries, and 1.25% on everything else. I think by far this would be the best card for my current uses.

Please keep in mind, these cards are what works for ME. Either way, please do make your money work for you. If you know of any better cards please let me know!

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FRIGGIN HILAROUS!  I mean seriously laugh out loud funny.  Now that I ruined it for you, go watch it.

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I got  just a little too drunk on Sat.  Thanks to everyone who came out…and double thanks for everyone who looked after me.  Triple thanks to those who were making fun of me.

Not good.  I think I’ll swear off alcohol for a while.

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A few weeks ago, I slammed on my brakes and stopped everything in my life.  Now that everything is done, I am now starting to pick up where I left off.  Business is starting to pick up again and hopefully everything will go back in the direction it was going before I had to slam on the brakes.  Thankfully, my work isn’t rocket science.   No real time to continue this post…until next time my dear readers.

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