Random musings


I’m in limbo right now. I’m lost. I’m not sleeping well. I’m not really hungry. I’m simply out of it. Not sure why I’m blogging, but I’m hoping by getting it off my chest I’ll feel better after.

Part of my life is exactly where it should be. My career is satisfying, rewarding, and profitable. So much so, that I’ve been given the opportunity to excel by accepting an exciting offer for a joint venture with the parent company I work for. I’ve accepted that offer and everything is going smoothly. I guess no complaints there.

However, my personal life has been slowly crumbling before my eyes over the past three weeks.

To say I’ve been a hair emotional is an understatement.

I’m having a really hard time sorting through these emotions as I’ve never really truly felt this lost before. I’m on the edge as I have found something very special, but for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to hold on, but it’s like grabbing onto a handful of sand–no matter how I try it just sifts through my fingers. I know if I just let it go now I will have nothing but regret.

I was a rock.–unmovable and unflappable. I simply refused to let anyone pierce the outer gate.

I used to watch my friends break down and crack because of a failed relationship and I simply couldn’t empathize. I guess now I can. Until now, in all of my relationships I’ve always been able to remain in control of my emotions. I was able to do so by subconsciously keeping every girl I’ve ever dated at arms length. It got so obvious to my friend Tina that she once commented that I must be dead inside by not feeling anything. If anything went bad, I simply didn’t give a shit…I just found a replacement girlfriend. All of that has now changed.

************

I guess good things happen when you never expect it.

It was a cold rainy February evening in San Francisco. I had recently gotten back from my annual trip to Asia a couple of weeks prior so my schedule was way off and was just starting to get hungry…at 8pm. I IM’d my friend C to see if she ate yet. She didn’t and said she’d wait to eat with me, so I got dressed and drove to the city.

C was upset with her bf at the time and wanted to get drinks after dinner. Not wanting to disappoint, I agreed. C called her friend L and told her to meet us at the restaurant.

I still remember the very first time I saw her. There weren’t any sparks or anything like that…I just saw her backside as she dropped off her bags and literally ran off to the bathroom. When she returned I was introduced and I remember my first thought–she’s cute. We went back to C’s bf’s place so that C could put her things away and get ready to go out. I intentionally wanted C and L to go hang out on their own so I left them alone for the bulk of the night. After going to 2 bars, 1 nightclub, and a roundabout way across the bridge (twice) in an attempt to get food, I dropped off C. I was going to drop L off but was still hungry. I asked if it was ok to get food and L said no problem.

We got egg rolls and a Chicken Vietnamese Sandwich at a restaurant called “Vietnam”. I didn’t know L didn’t eat chicken at the time, but in hindsight I should have asked. Since there was a wait, we stole a blue tumbler of tea to drink outside while we waited. Driving home, I started to fall asleep and L had to go to the bathroom so we stopped by a gas station so she could go to the bathroom. By the time she got back, I was passed out cold. I woke up a little later and saw she was napping next to me shivering. I gave her my jacket to use as a blanket and figured I’d wake up when it the cold woke me up. Fast forward another half hour, I woke up with the jacket back on top of me and her shivering again. I put the jacket back on her and somehow shortly later I remember we were holding hands. After a short nap, I slept enough to where I didn’t feel like passing out on the road so I dropped her off and drove home. I never asked for her number and the next day, I felt like a complete ass.

When I asked her about why she didn’t want to take my jacket a month later she said, “you looked cold and I felt bad taking your jacket so I put it over you”. I was floored. I’ve never even met a girl that even thought selflessly like that.

Luckily, she asked C for my number. After a few awkward first texts and a few misplaced phone calls (thanks textfree), we finally got to connect…which led to some innocent chats.

Our first “date” was about week later. We went to go eat and then hit Costco to buy supplies for the house. I couldn’t find my membership card so I had to get another card made while L browsed the store looking for things to buy. Since a Costco card isn’t a legal ID, I made a funny face a la Calvin’s school pictures from Calvin and Hobbes. When I found L, she for some reason wanted to see my new card, so when I showed her she couldn’t hold it in…she started shaking and then laughed nonstop for a good 10-20 seconds. Thinking back, I guess that’s all it took for me– that honest laugh and the beaming smile she gave me afterward.

That was it…I was smitten. Things went abnormally well from then onward. It was literally like some cheesy movie montage where literally every little thing she did made me more and more happy. Eventually, she commented to me that she found it harder and harder to leave on work trips because she simply wanted to be with me. I couldn’t have agreed more! I too, found it harder and harder to drop her off and I became more and more excited to see her when she returned. Whenever anything bothered me…like work or family issues, a simple hug and kiss from her was all it took for me to de-stress from my day and let it go. Somehow in the span of a couple months she became a pillar in my life. I don’t know how she did it, but intentionally or unintentionally she broke through my self imposed wall of defense and amazingly instead of being scared, I was happier than I’ve ever been. Yes we did have disagreements, but nothing we didn’t deal with quickly and permanently.

***********

It all came to a screeching halt 3 weeks ago. I was so excited to see her that I drove to the airport to pick her up early. Figuring she would be tired and hungry, I even stopped to buy Hamachi Sashimi–her favorite. When I picked her up something was wrong and I’m not sure why, but I felt ignored and unappreciated. To this day, I still can’t figure out why I ended up so upset.

I then did something that I truly regret. Instead of being her foundation and asking her what was wrong, when we got home I intentionally picked a fight with her to get some sort of response. I guess let her know or feel exactly how I felt. It was a bad move. A very, very bad move. Anything that ever bothered her with me came out.

The proverbial shit hit the fan. I disrespected her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I do now. I have nothing to say in my defense. She packed up most of her stuff that night and left. I was still angry, but after the anger subsided I sat in my closet and stared at the empty space in my closet that I gave her. Only I realized the gravity of how badly I messed up.

That was a Thursday. I needed to talk to her so on Friday night, we met up and spent a few hours together…we had dinner and then went shopping for her friend’s baby shower. I could tell there was some lingering tension, but there was nothing I could do besides apologize. I went home that night praying that we could salvage what we had.

She left again on Sunday. We were able to spend a little time together before she left and I drove her to the airport. This time, things seemed better with less tension. I was hopeful things between us were getting better. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

***********

L had a scheduled training session, so instead of her typical 4 or 5 day trip, it became a 7 day trip. On the day after she left, she got mad at me over some damage to her watch and for the 5 days after that–a total blackout. No response to any of my messages, no pickup to any of my phone calls, nothing. We’d never been out of contact that long. I was worried. No I was freaked out.

On the 6th day, I finally got a message. Unfortunately it wasn’t anywhere near the response of what I was hoping for.

“It’s me not you.”

Umm. Ok. *pounds head against the table* I didn’t realize what that meant. I was adrift. No clue what was going on. I had to wait another day before she finally called me.

She told me that she had a pretty bad relationship issues in the past. Things that I won’t blog about, but the bottom line is she does have a few issues she has to deal with before she can continue. I feel helpless. Here she is, a pillar of my life, and she feels she can’t talk to me directly about her problems.

We’ve seen each other twice since then and things seemed to be ok, but I can’t be sure.

************

All of the above leads me to here. My choice. Shall I stay or go?

I want to give her space to figure things out, but at the same time want to help her with her problems. Trying to find a balance between these two is hard.

My grandparents were together for over 65 years. They were the epitome off “through thick and thin”. They survived a world war, they survived the cultural revolution, they survived the hellion I and my sisters were. I can see the same happening with L and I. I believe and hope it can.

I’ve been listening to the Johnny Cash version of “Hurt”. He sings of regrets, both things he did and didn’t do. It’s a touching song and is striking a chord with me today because I’m at the proverbial fork in the road. We were amazing together. Even though she says she is damaged, I still think she is perfect for me. The only thing I truly do know is that if I leave too early and not exhaust everything possible to make it work, it will be one of the few things in my life I know I will truly regret.

I guess knowing that about myself, the only choice I have is to roll the dice and see where it lands me. Happiness or purgatory. It doesn’t matter where I end up. If what makes her happy is to be without me or with me, it doesn’t matter. I can hope for the best for my sake, but ultimately I just want her happy. I feel she deserves that much.

This is a first for me…I love her unconditionally.

This much I know is true.

being in my own bed is so relaxing.

Going for a month.  Looks like my itinerary is looking like Taiwan, Hong Kong, China, Singapore, and Thailand.  I have some planning to do.

Thanks to the economy, I can see if I can find some good deals on restaurants that closed down because of the downturn.

I’ll be doing inspections on the 3 restaurants I’ve scouted in the past few weeks.  Hopefully in a month or two one of those can be ALL mine.


This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money

Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya

Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

TRANSLATION:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the

Climax that your man can’t make

Call and tell him you’ll be home real late

Let’s sing the break

TRANSLATION:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ‘round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?

While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke

Death stroke – tongue all down her throat

Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you

I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

TRANSLATION:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion – flyin’ into all states.

Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.

Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.

I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

TRANSLATION:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

FRIGGIN HILAROUS!  I mean seriously laugh out loud funny.  Now that I ruined it for you, go watch it.

I’ll admit it- Today, I’ve been crying on and off all day.  In fact, I am crying right now, because today has been a roller coaster of emotions.

I watched my grandma die today.

She did fight on since the doctors told her she had less than 6 months to go- 1 year ago.  She kept on fighting for 16 hours after being removed from all her medications and kept on going.  I know now what kept her going fot this long…the love for her husband.  Finally, a little over 1 hour ago my Dad, younger sister, and I told her that we knew she loved us all, that we loved her, and promised her and would look after over our grandfather- only then did she take one last breath and then stopped fighting.

The world has lost one of the most incredible women I have ever known.  She has survived WWII, fled the Communists, and raised 3 kids, and 4 grandkids.  She was a accomplished painter, Chinese calligrapher, ballroom dancer, and a Chinese Opera Singer!  I can go on forever, but I’ll have to leave that for another day.

I am glad that I was there holding her hand the moment when she passed.   I am glad she is no longer in pain.  It is something I will always remember.
R.I.P.

Mrs. Lee Ping Chao
8/8/1920-2/29/2008

I have been quite busy as of late and as a result have been neglecting my websites.  It has been a hectic and somewhat profitable New Years.  I hope all is well with you, my valued readers.  I have a few posts that I have been working on and will post once I get a moment to finish.

Cheers.

Can’t figure it out.  Just hit me out of the blue yesterday.   When I figure it out, I’ll let ya’ll know.

I love beaches.  Something about the warmth, sun, and water make me relaxed.  I’ve been to a few of the top beaches of the world already (Hawaii/Cyprus), but I want to visit the following beaches:

Paradise Beach (Mykonos Island)
Red Beach (Santorini)
Phang Nga Bay (Phuket)
Sanur Beach (Seminyak, Bali)
Sanur Beach (Seminyak, Bali)
Saline Beach (Saint-Barthélemy)
Eleuthera (The Bahamas)

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