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Thanks to the economy, I can see if I can find some good deals on restaurants that closed down because of the downturn.

I’ll be doing inspections on the 3 restaurants I’ve scouted in the past few weeks.  Hopefully in a month or two one of those can be ALL mine.

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This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money

Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya

Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

TRANSLATION:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the

Climax that your man can’t make

Call and tell him you’ll be home real late

Let’s sing the break

TRANSLATION:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ‘round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?

While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke

Death stroke – tongue all down her throat

Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you

I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

TRANSLATION:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion – flyin’ into all states.

Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.

Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.

I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

TRANSLATION:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

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FRIGGIN HILAROUS!  I mean seriously laugh out loud funny.  Now that I ruined it for you, go watch it.

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I’ll admit it- Today, I’ve been crying on and off all day.  In fact, I am crying right now, because today has been a roller coaster of emotions.

I watched my grandma die today.

She did fight on since the doctors told her she had less than 6 months to go- 1 year ago.  She kept on fighting for 16 hours after being removed from all her medications and kept on going.  I know now what kept her going fot this long…the love for her husband.  Finally, a little over 1 hour ago my Dad, younger sister, and I told her that we knew she loved us all, that we loved her, and promised her and would look after over our grandfather- only then did she take one last breath and then stopped fighting.

The world has lost one of the most incredible women I have ever known.  She has survived WWII, fled the Communists, and raised 3 kids, and 4 grandkids.  She was a accomplished painter, Chinese calligrapher, ballroom dancer, and a Chinese Opera Singer!  I can go on forever, but I’ll have to leave that for another day.

I am glad that I was there holding her hand the moment when she passed.   I am glad she is no longer in pain.  It is something I will always remember.
R.I.P.

Mrs. Lee Ping Chao
8/8/1920-2/29/2008

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I have been quite busy as of late and as a result have been neglecting my websites.  It has been a hectic and somewhat profitable New Years.  I hope all is well with you, my valued readers.  I have a few posts that I have been working on and will post once I get a moment to finish.

Cheers.

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Can’t figure it out.  Just hit me out of the blue yesterday.   When I figure it out, I’ll let ya’ll know.

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I love beaches.  Something about the warmth, sun, and water make me relaxed.  I’ve been to a few of the top beaches of the world already (Hawaii/Cyprus), but I want to visit the following beaches:

Paradise Beach (Mykonos Island)
Red Beach (Santorini)
Phang Nga Bay (Phuket)
Sanur Beach (Seminyak, Bali)
Sanur Beach (Seminyak, Bali)
Saline Beach (Saint-Barthélemy)
Eleuthera (The Bahamas)

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The Transportation and Security Administration would like to remind you that the current threat level is ORANGE…

I don’t believe the threat level was ever below orange. I know for a fact that the threat level has been continually set at Orange for at least a year, if not more. Now, doesn’t that strike you as odd? If there was such a high risk for an attack, wouldn’t it have happened by now or would Kip Hawley or his comrades have mentioned exactly WHAT risk we are facing by now? We’ve seen the attention go to from the silly items as toenail clippers to perceived threats of Knives, ID checks, to liquid bombs.

Now lets look at the facts: On 9-11, America saw terrorism from an outside source hit home. Four planes were hijacked. Of those, three were crashed into buildings and the last one crashed into a field. The hijackers were armed with pepper spray, box cutters, and an outdated action plan of of dealing with hijackers.

The tools used in the 9-11 attacks were allowed by the airline and authorities to be carried on board. Even if on 9-11, the items were caught by the private security firms, the items were perfectly legal to be brought on board and thus not confiscated. We all know what happened then. Those exact same items were used in 9-11 and and required new thinking in the process of dealing with terrorists.

Previous to the 9-11 attack, the standard operating procedure during a hijacking was to follow the hijackers demands. Why? Well previous to 9-11, with one notable exception, the standard hijacking demand was “bring me to XXXX (insert any city here).” To protect the passenger and a multi-million dollar plane, the demands were met. Most of the time, the planes and passengers remained unscathed. Bring me to Cuba!

Now, lets see what the TSA says is the REAL threats are and preventing another attack on our transportation system. Lets look at this objectively and put some rational thought behind this.

First it was knives.

Sharp pointy objects. Sharp objects (box cutters) were used to hijack the planes on 9-11 and could be used to kill. With enforced steel cockpit doors on all planes, it is sort of difficult to “storm (a.k.a break into)” the cockpit with knives, kill the pilots, take control, and crash planes into buildings. Lets face it, a 9-11 style attack won’t happen again. Fellow passengers now will do exactly what happened on flight 93- fight back. For the past couple of years, there have been documented incidents where airline passengers have fought back at unruly passengers deemed a risk, subdued them, and arrived safely at their destination. They have done this even if it wasn’t a credible threat.

Analysis: Having a knife really doesn’t change the outcome. If terrorist cannot get into airplane cockpit = Airplane doesn’t crash into tall building and kill thousands. It can be a passenger safety issue, but no longer becomes an aviation security issue. The threat is neutralized between passengers willing to help, reinforced cockpit doors, and a new procedural resistance to hijacking.  Risk Level: Same as Michael Jackson getting plastic surgery to look like he did when he was 8.

On to the next threat, the SHOE BOMB.

In 2001, Richard Reid attempted to ignite his shoes lined with plastic explosives to take down a plane. Not exactly so shocking as a 9-11 style attack, but still a threat. The TSA reaction? Everybody take off your shoes! We’ll scan the shoes for explosives. Do you feel safer? You shouldn’t. Four years later, in a 2005 TSA report concluded that the X ray machine cannot detect explosives. Now three years after the report, I haven’t heard them broadcast the fact that they cannot detect explosives. The only accurate ways to detect explosives as A) the explosive swab test B) a special trained explosives scent dog C) the explosives particle test. However, as it stands you STILL need to take off your shoes at the X-ray. I asked a few screeners earlier this week why the shoe carnival removal requirement was in place- the reply was, “To detect explosives.” One more off topic thought- have you thought about how nasty the floors are? Thousands of dirty feet walking over the same area that is cleaned maybe once a day. Bleh.  Threat  level- Same as a black man joining the KKK.

Analysis: You cannot detect explosives via an x-ray, use a method that actually works. Don’t implement foolish bureaucratic procedures that actually waste time for the ILLUSION of security(read: taking off shoes for x-ray), aggravate travelers with procedures that actually detract from security. Either A) swab all shoes B) have a dog sniff everyone’s feet C) run EVERYONE through the particle test. Just feel worse because you probably just picked up a nice foot fungus on your last trip through security.

The LIQUID Bomb! This one really makes me laugh. The threat: British intelligence picked up electronic details of a plot to use liquids to create a liquid bomb to destroy a commercial airliner. Since 2006, we have not been allowed to bring on board more than a 3oz containers placed in a zip lock baggie.

Analysis: As this reporter found out, the liquid bomb threat is based more on Hollywood fiction rather than reality. Even if it a liquid bomb were possible, the terrorists wouldn’t do so on a plane. Why blow one up? Terrorism is government by intimidation.  Blow up a plane, no intimidation there.  Shock and awe!  Remember that?  Threat level – Same as finding a live a Jackolope

Apparently we, the American people are OBVIOUSLY intimidated. However, as the saying goes, “we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.” The TSA misses all the actual threats, but does just enough to satisfy Ma and Pa Kettle.   I don’t get the orange level, but will say the terror level should currently be in the blue or green.  I miss the America I grew up in.

OH yes, forgot to say: Happy New Year NSA!

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I hurt my back yesterday.  It was so bad that I was on the ground writhing in pain.  Pretty much I spent the entire day on the floor immobile.  Thankfully today with the help of 800mg of Ibuprofen i’m doing a lot better.  Massage later tonight and I should be back in action for the weekend.

A friendly public service announcement:

Please STRETCH NOW!

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